He was different in a way that said he was doing well. He looked yummy in his plain grey t-shirt and blue jeans - simplicity has always been his thing.
I watched him run his hands through his hair impatiently and I felt a bit nostalgic; I mean I used to do that,I missed it, I wanted to do it - I wanted to feel his cheeks on my palm and kiss his face.
I bit into my quivering lip fixing my gaze reluctantly away from his as I stared at the horizon, the scenery placid and divine, calming my nerves. I could feel him staring at me, and I wondered what thoughts ran through his mind. Closing my eyes momentarily, I braved to meet his eyes with mine.
He was giving me the look: the kind that drove me mad because instead of being expressive, he would go silent - the type that bordered between cold and distant, holding things in till much later. He would always say we both cannot be mad at the same time.
Yet, there was something else I saw, something new and that scared me. I shook my head as if it would shake off the thoughts. I hoped he would express his feelings.
I missed what we had, how he made me feel, how we complemented each other perfectly. Ours wasn’t a tale of love at first sight but a tale of growing to love each other and that thought brought me rock-hard to the reality of where we are now; I was here to make things right.
I chewed my lower lip returning my eyes to the beautiful view of the setting sun wondering if he wanted us to work out just as much as I do. I desperately wanted us to move past this, I wanted us to be better than we used to be, I wanted him even though the chances that my feelings won’t be reciprocated were zero. Even now, the least I could do was hope.
It’s been several months since the incident and yet I still felt the pain from her confession, and living without her was twice as hell! I remember walking home to see her disheveled and distressed but then, she started to talk about her betrayal… I felt a million whips of emotion lash through my skin, I couldn’t feel any part of my body and her voice grew faint, everything grew dull. I wished she had kept it to herself - I couldn’t bear to hear her finish, I had to walk away for my sanity. I wasn’t ready to listen to the details then and I wasn’t ready to listen now, even though she had successfully ambushed me.
I still didn’t know if I could ever trust or forgive her. I wanted to know… to understand why. I was hurt but I never stopped loving her and I never stopped caring. At least, now I know I can stand seeing her.
There was no doubt she hadn’t been well, she seemed pale and her countenance was sad, or was it guilt? I could tell from the way she acted that it took a lot for her to look at me, her lip was still caught in her teeth and it was sexy as much as it was distracting. She only bit her lip when she was nervous.
I wasn’t sure if I could handle keeping my hands to myself and not reach for hers across the table to give her a semblance of comfort.
A part of me longed to tuck it off her teeth with my lips on hers, soothe her and whisper encouraging words but I couldn’t, I was still angry at her, yet I desired her much more than she could ever know and I wondered if she felt the same way.
If that is why she ambushed me the way she did or she just wanted to end things. I told myself it was about time we talked and got past this.
“I see you are doing great,” she said.
“Yes, I am,” I lied. I was anything but.
I watched her inhale and I knew it was coming, “I am sorry for dragging you out like this Felix, I know you are pretty busy but I needed to do this.”
I nodded wanting her to go on. I was ready to hear her reason.
For months now, Felix evaded me, the situation I put us in like it never happened or I didn’t exist and I was tired of being ignored. I knew I hurt him, I knew I deserved whatever he dished at me, but truthfully I would have preferred an outburst or a form of rage, anything but the silent treatment and the distancing. It was eating at me, I was going crazy as thoughts of uncertainty grew in my mind.
I woke up each day wondering if he had moved on, wondering if I would get a call, a post even, just something stating he wanted to see me, he wanted a divorce or to get back together. I had tried to reach him, called multiple times, left countless messages that went straight to voicemail. I wanted to apologize, to make things right but he avoided me. I knew he needed time but I needed us to address it and talk about us. I wanted us back.
If this was the end, I wanted us to at least try. I missed who I was with him and staying apart from him was eating me up and driving me crazy. With shaky hands, I downed the flute of wine in one gulp, alarming Felix. I could tell from the arch of his brow he was trying hard to be indifferent and failing. There was a fleeting moment I saw a longing look and I took that as a sign of goodwill.
Playing with my shaky fingers, I looked at him and asked sincerely, “How are you?”
He just nodded.
“How are things at the office?” I inquired.
“Did you attend Taribo’s engagement party?” I asked and he responded by nodding again.
“I’m happy you are doing well,” I told him and he responded with a nod. Again.
He was really not going to say much. I breathed nervously and looked out the window. It was dark already.
“I have been trying to reach you and it has been hard as hell.” I blurted
This time, he just stared at me but I continued anyway.
“I know you probably don’t give a darn about anything I have to say but I would be really glad if you hear me out. I want us to talk about it, about us. I need you to know that I am really sorry… these months apart has been-”, I swallowed, “has been really rough and I am sorry for the way I treated you; for the lies, the hurt and the pain I caused you.” My eyes were getting teary but I continued anyway.
“Call me crazy but I want us to still be us, I know I fucked up bad and it may take a while for you to forgive me, for you to heal or forget it happened, I know it may take a while for you to see me the same way but I am not asking you to do that right now, I am willing to wait, I am willing to do whatever it takes to have you, to have us.” I sniffed.
“I don’t want to lose you, I know you probably hate me right now and I understand that.” I paused then raised my head to look at him, “what I am saying is that I still want us, if you will still have me.” I stopped talking. By now, the tears were rushing down my face but I didn’t care, I just wanted to touch him, and so I stretched my hands to cup his on the table but he pulled away. I slowly pulled mine back, to wipe my eyes with the back of my hands.
I waited for his response. I wanted to know the thoughts playing in his head. I wanted to know if he felt the same way. I needed to know. My heart raced so fast, I felt it was going to pound its way off my chest.
“What if I don’t want you Liv?”
I winced. I wasn’t sure I heard correctly. I told myself it was more statement than a question. I mean he couldn’t mean it, right? I licked my dry quivering lip. I could feel my eyes glaze with fresh tears. I had thought of the possibility but dreaded the answer. What if he didn’t want me? I had asked myself, even now, I couldn’t find an answer, nothing measured up. I felt my inside sink. God help me.